Storms

Wow! I can't believe I haven't blogged since August. I guess it's pretty obvious that I am back at work. No time for any extras! This school year has definitely been a challenge, as some of our staff members are going through some major struggles. God is good, though. His presence is definitely in our school.

Things are still the same here on the fertilty journey. I haven't seen my fertility doctor since the end of May, but I have kept in contact through phone conversations.

I am supposed to go in and do an hsg test in a few days. I haven't actually set it up, but I will probably call on Monday. It's a dye test where it's injected through my cervix and through the entire reproductive tract. It will tell us if I have a blocked fallopian tube, or my uterus is shaped in a strange way. If my tubes are slightly blocked, this procedure could help clear the blockages, but if I have 2 severly blocked fallopian tubes, we will never be able to conceive without Invitro Fertilization. I am praying that this isn't the case, because there is NO POSSIBLE way we can afford to do that procedure right now.

Please continue to pray for us. I am having a very hard time deciding if I should do this test right now. First of all, I am SCARED TO DEATH! From what I've heard, it's a very painful procedure with no pain meds. Second of all, I am just a worry wart and I am kind of scared that something will be wrong and I'll have to deal with some more overwhelming stress.

I am looking for a clear answer from God, but I am having a really hard time hearing Him right now. I am feeling a little abandoned and I feel selfish for feeling that way. I know He is here, and I am still praising Him, but this storm feels like it's getting the best of me.

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand" Isaiah 41:10

The first couple of weeks of school are finally behind me. It's always a rocky start, but things are starting to settle down. I enjoy being in a routine again; It feels like I get so much more accomplished when I have a schedule. I think once again my "Type A" personality is a factor in that. :)

My family has had many blessings this past month. David got a teaching job at the same school I work at. He's working in the Special Education department. It was a blessing as we thought he was going to go yet another year without a teaching job. My mom, who has a severely hurinated disk in her back, is doing better. She was advised to have surgery, but she seems to be healing without the surgery as we've been praying. God has been good and I know He will continue to be.

As I've stated in many of my previous blogs, Ryan and I are not seeing my fertility specialist at this time. This month I did ovulate on my own! I was pretty psyched about that. Some months it has happened, but there is no guarantee if or when it will. I figure if I ovulate naturally, my body is at least trying to do what it's supposed to do. It gives me some hope that I could get pregnant naturally. Of course, we would prefer to get pregnant naturally, but we're putting it into God's hands. He will provide when He sees it's time.

God is providing in ways that I don't understand, but I see. He's done so many things for my family this past year. Through all the struggles, He's been my comfort. He promises me in His Word that it's going to be worth all of the pain and turmoil. Praise Him for that!!!

Back to Work

I cannot believe it is already time to go back to work. Although I've enjoyed my time off, I cannot believe that it is already time to go back! It's been a very nice summer. I've tried to relax and enjoy my time off. Ryan and I decided we would take the summer off from fertility treatments, and I've actually kind of forgotten about the issue. Now, that doesn't mean that it's not always in the back of my mind, but it hasn't been overtaking my world. It's been an enjoyable time. Around the middle of June, God put a peace in my heart about the situation. I finally completely turned it over to Him.

Ryan and I had a good time on our trip to St. Louis. The traffic was terrible, but other than that, it was fun. We just enjoyed a few days away.

My ten year class reunion was a few weekends ago. It was a blast!!! It was so great to spend time with people that I hadn't seen in years. I needed that. Although most of us have taken separate roads, we picked up right where we left off ten years ago. The support and love that I felt from my former classmates was awesome! It was just a fun time of catching up and talking about the old days.

I am not quite as ready as I normally am to go back to school this year. I am ready for a schedule, though. I have become a night owl! Getting back in a routine always makes my life a little easier. It's that Type A personality.

For those of you who are curious, Ryan and I have decided to wait until October to pursue any more fertility treatments. At that time, I will have another test to check my uterus and fallopian tubes. If that all looks good, we'll probably do another IUI. The unfortunate thing is that our insurance doesn't cover infertility at all. (Which is another thing....do you think I actually want to be infertile??? If I had to have surgery to remove my appendix, they would cover it!) Each time I have a procedure done it costs $500-$3000. It's hard to come up with that extra money every month. We're just waiting for God to show us what to do. If we're to move a long with the treatments, He'll provide the money. Right now we're praying for a miracle and that God will show us what He wants us to do. We know without a doubt that God can and will provide in His timing!

Healer

I am praying for those all around this area that need a healing. I know God can and will heal. There are so many, young and old, who are suffering with disease. Whether it be cancer, heart disease, addiction, depression, or so many other afflictions, we need to pray and truly believe that NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR GOD!

One of my most favorite songs is, Healer by Hillsong. Below are the lyrics. It's an awesome song! Truly an encouragement to me. I believe Jesus is my Healer! He's all I need.

You hold my every moment. You calm my raging seas.
You walk with me through fire and heal all my disease.

I trust in You.
I trust in You.

I believe You're my healer.
I believe You are all I need.

I believe You're my portion.
I believe You're more than enough for me.
Jesus You're all I need.

Nothing is impossible for You.
Nothing is impossible for You.
Nothing is impossible for You.
You hold my world in Your hands.

I believe You're my healer.
I believe You're all I need.

I believe You're my portion.
I believe You're more than enough for me.
Jesus You're all I need.

Time

I cannot believe that my 10 year class reunion is next weekend. It seems like only yesterday that I was in high school spending time with people that I haven't seen in nearly 10 years. It's amazing that 10 years can go by so quickly. I am looking forward to seeing many of my former classmates and catching up on things that are going on. It's crazy that so many of them are scattered all over the country.

Ryan and I are going on a mini-vacation next week. We were supposed to go to Gatlinburg with my in-laws, but I have a meeting for work 2 of the days they will be gone, so Ryan and I are going to leave after the meeting and go to St.Louis for a few days. I've never been there, but I've heard that it's a really cool city to visit with lots to do. We're just excited for the time away. Sometimes it helps so much to just step away from an environment for a little bit and discover new places. This year has been really stressful and we feel like we deserve a much needed vacation.

We had a deck put on off of our sunroom this week. It's really nice! We were going to wait until next spring, but an Amish man did some work for my father-in-law and when he told him we were thinking about building a deck, the man said he could do it, and he gave us a good price! We went ahead and decided if we didn't do it now, we probably would be missing out on a good chance. Anyway, it's really awesome to have. Last night we sat out on it and watched wildlife in our backyard. I am looking forward to entertaining there.

I hope everyone enjoys the Independence Day holiday. May God continue to bless our country.

Refreshed

I am refreshed. It's been a hard couple of weeks, but by God's grace and mercy, I am feeling refreshed and ready for the world. It took a full week to get over the grieving period of not getting a positive pregnancy test after our IUI. I felt completely abandoned and hurt beyond words. There was a little well of tears set on my heart. Any and every thing would send forth that spring of tears. I analyzed the reasons why I thought God didn't give us our baby. I was angry and bitter that we'd spend $2000.00 on a procedure that brought nothing but pain both physically and emotionally.

After my "feel sorry for myself" phase, I took a hard look at what I do have and I thanked God for His MANY blessings. I prayed and prayed and decided that no matter what happens, or when it happens, I will only be satisfied with God's will. His will is the only thing that matters, and I know He is guiding both Ryan and I to where we need to be.

My heart knows without a doubt that God WILL give us a baby. A while ago I was overwhelmed with a strong fear that maybe God was not going to give us a baby, and that I would never feel the greatness of a pregnancy and the love that only a mother feels. I prayed about this and God has given me a peace about this situation. It's no longer about IF we get pregnant, it about WHEN God decides to bless us with our baby. God has never failed me, and I know He never will.

I know God has the power to heal, and I feel like a healing is coming. Although there have been times when I've felt like I've been abandoned and left by God, I know He's here. He's with me always. Seeing every tear I cry and hearing every prayer I say.

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

Blessed be the Lord for when there's no hope, there's always hope in the Lord!

I was blessed to be able to spend a few days with my family. I am so thankful that God has blessed my family. What a Godly heritage I have, and how thankful I am that I have this gift.

No baby this month. That's about all I have to say. Of course we are very sad, but know that God will provide in HIS timing. Ryan and I have decided to take this month off of treatments and just enjoy some time NOT worrying about getting pregnant.

I'll keep you all updated on what we decide to do in July.