Tough Night

Here I am up at 2:30 in the morning feeling the need to blog. Tonight I am really struggling with a lot of things. I am starting to be very afraid that this IUI didn't work. I don't test for a few days, but I am so worried I am starting to let my worry creep in as I wait. My heart is hurting and I am so sick of all of this infertility stuff. I am tired of letting it consume me. I am tired of it taking over all of my thoughts. The thought of having to go through this medical process again makes my stomach turn.

The varying emotions or days that accompany infertility are so much like a roller-coaster. I have a great days, ( when I am completely mind busy doing something that I absoultely enjoy. i.e. shopping, or spending time out completely NOT thinking about infertility or treatments.) okay days, (cleaning and keeping myself busy around the house.) and bad days. ( negative pregnancy tests, the feeling like everyone around me has no idea what I'm going through, someone asking me when Ryan and I plan on having kids.) Tonight has been a bad night. More than anything, I want the joy of holding my baby in my arms.

People ask, "Is it worth all the fertility treatments and the money?" My response to this is:
It's worth it all to be able to see a positive pregnancy test.
It's worth it all to one day be able to feel a baby move inside of me.
It's worth it all to one day be able to hear a heartbeat in my womb.
It's worth it all to be able to say, "it's a boy" or "it's a girl."
It's worth it all to be able to see the face of my beautiful child and hold them in my arms.
It's worth it all to be able to share this love that can't be described and that I already feel for this child I've never met, but know I will love with all I am.
It's worth it all to one day to be called, "mommy."

Ryan and I are prepared to do whatever it takes to be able to have the experiences that so many people take for granted. It's worth all of the struggle and heartache to know that one day God will bless us with a wonderful gift.

My husband is the greatest man on earth. I am so fortunate to have someone who is so supportive and caring. Tonight he just hugged me as I cried. He said nothing, knowing I didn't want to hear anything, and just let me cry. I cannot tell you the amount of times he's just been there when I needed him to just be there. He's so good about knowing when to speak and when not to. I know he's dealing with the same things I am, but he's been my rock. I know God has blessed me with him; no one could be more perfect for me.

Sorry for my rant and ravings tonight. It's just one of those days that I needed to vent. I pray that we will get a positive pregnancy test this week. God is good. He will provide in HIS timing, and that timing is PERFECT!!!

Here's a song by Casting Crowns that has impacted me during this journey. Enjoy the lyrics--It's called Praise You in the Storm.


I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down and wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day. But once again, I say amen and it's still raining as the thunder rolls I barely hear You whisper through the rain, "I'm with you"and as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away.

Chorus: And I'll praise you in this storm and I will lift my hands for You are who You are no matter where I am and every tear I've cried You hold in your hand.You never left my side and though my heart is torn. I will praise You in this storm/

I remember when I stumbled in the wind.ou heard my cry to Youand raised me up again my strength is almost gone.how can I carry on if I can't find You? And as the thunder rolls I barely hear You whisper through the rain "I'm with you"and as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away

I lift my eyes onto the hills where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth I lift my eyes onto the hills where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

Nothing new

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Romans 12:12

This week has actually been moving a long more quickly than I originally thought it would. Today was the last day of school with the students, and tomorrow is the last day for teachers. Thank goodness it's only a half day!

I've been praying for patience and peace this week. I actually feel okay. I've not been ansy or worried about what will or won't happen. The only thing I'm sure of and want to be sure of is that God is in CONTROL! If this procedure doesn't work, although it will be very hard to accept, I know that it wasn't His will.

I have really been struggling with the issues that are going on with Jon & Kate Gosselin from the T.V. show Jon & Kate Plus 8. I recently read the book, Multiple Blessings, and was so inspired by everything they had endured. Kate gave so much praise to God in her book. It's just like they've turned their back on where they came from. God has blessed them with so much, and they've turned to material possessions and have forgotten what God's done for them. I've really been praying for all of them. I don't know why I have such a strong feeling to pray for them, but the whole family has been on my heart.

I hope everyone has a good week.

Well today was the big day. I had the IUI done this morning around 10:45. It was NOT fun, but it will be worth it if we end up with our baby. Right now everything just kind of comes to a hault and we wait. I have a blood test next week to make sure I actually did ovulate and that I have enough progesterone to support a pregnancy. Other than that, we just kick back and wait 2 weeks to find out if all of this worked.

I don't think I posted this, but Thursday when I went to my appointment everything looked great. I had 3 mature follicles measuring around 22 mm. each. My nurse said I should be excited that everything looked so good. That made me feel good. She said the goal is to get 2-3 mature follicles. The odds are higher that at least one will release.

I don't have much more to write about. Please continue to pray that God will bless Ryan and I this month.

Sorry! I'm a little late on posting. Yesterday I went in for another scan and some more blood work. The nurse I had yesterday was so sweet. She's my favorite and she always makes such an uncomfortable situation seem better. That's another reason I travel all the way to Carmel for my appointments. I love the staff and the doctors there. Anyway, she did the scan and there are THREE almost mature follicles! The nurse showed them to me and then measured them. Two of them are close to 18 mm. and the other is around 16-17ish. Soooo....after my bloodwork came in, they called me and told me that everything looked really good and although we were progressing I needed to take 2 more days of my shots and then come back in on Thursday. I was worried I was going to have to buy more medicine because I didn't have enough left. God provided again! The nurse gave me some sample meds that she had. This time they actually were samples. That was such a blessing as a vial of the medicine is around $350.00.

So, I go back tomorrow for hopefully only one more scan and bloodwork check. My doctor thinks we'll do the IUI on Saturday which works out great because Ryan won't have to take the day off of work.

Please keep us in your prayers. Please pray that at least one of these little eggs will be fertilized and then will implant. Also please pray for Ryan and I to be calm and have peace no matter what happens. I'll keep you all posted.

God is good!

Dr. Apt.

Today I had my second doctor's appointment before the IUI. It went well. They upped my dosage on the shots a little, but hopefully I will only have to take them for 2 more days! They did an ultrasound today, and it looks like everything is progressing okay. Thankfully there aren't like 5 dominant eggs! That would be bad! There was only one, with a second one just a little smaller. We'll see how many there will be next time. The nurse seemed to think I wouldn't have any more than two. That doesn't necessarily mean that they any of the will be fertilized, or that they will both DEFINITELY be fertilized, it just means that they are there, hanging out :)

My next appointment is Tuesday. I go in for some more blood work and then another ultrasound. The doctor expects my IUI to probably be on Thursday. It will all depend on how everything looks Tuesday. I am going to have to miss 2 days of work this week ( which is not good timing because it's the last FULL week of school.) Everyone at work is really supportive, though. That's a blessing that definitely helps!

I'll post again Tuesday night after the appointment. I am so thankful that today went well. I am praying that the next week goes as planned and everything falls into place.

" The Lord your God will go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor forsake you."


Deuteronomy 31:6





As the day of our doctor's appointment approaches, my worry has started to creep in. I am so worried that something will go wrong. I'm afraid that something will delay this cycle, and we'll be back where we've been for so long. I know and understand fully that this procedure is not a guarantee. I just know it's a big step that I never imagined I would have to go through. This journey has been one that has changed who I am and how I see everything. I am so comforted that God will NOT fail or forsake me. He knows the desire of our hearts and He is working in our lives. His answer may not be how or when I want, but I know that He's been there all along, holding my hand as I go through this. I know He'll be with us when we go through this procedure next week.

We are praying for peace and guidance. Peace to calm my fears and worries about this procedure and that God would direct the doctor's and nurse's hands and minds. Please continue to pray with us.

It's been a pretty quiet week. We are getting ready to have a deck built off of our sunroom. Ryan and my father-in-law have been working to make it look presentable before we have the deck built. We need so much dirt in our back yard. It looks terrible right now! Maybe eventually it will get to where it needs to be.

We had a cook-out on Mother's Day. Both of our families came and visited. We had a really good time spending time with everyone. I'd like to do it more often. It always seems like we NEVER have much time to plan things at our house. I am going to make a conscience effort this summer to be more of the hostess that everyone knows I love to be. :)

I started my shots on Monday. They aren't too bad. Actually I gave myself the shot both yesterday and today. I was so proud. It was definitely traumatic the first time, but today wasn't bad at all. I'll be a pro at this before I know it, but I hope after this cycle I never have to do it again.

We go back to see my doctor on Sunday for a check. Please keep us in your prayers. Please pray that this procedure works and that when we go on Sunday things are progressing like they should be. I know God's hands are on this, and I am trusting in Him fully!