Tough Night

Here I am up at 2:30 in the morning feeling the need to blog. Tonight I am really struggling with a lot of things. I am starting to be very afraid that this IUI didn't work. I don't test for a few days, but I am so worried I am starting to let my worry creep in as I wait. My heart is hurting and I am so sick of all of this infertility stuff. I am tired of letting it consume me. I am tired of it taking over all of my thoughts. The thought of having to go through this medical process again makes my stomach turn.

The varying emotions or days that accompany infertility are so much like a roller-coaster. I have a great days, ( when I am completely mind busy doing something that I absoultely enjoy. i.e. shopping, or spending time out completely NOT thinking about infertility or treatments.) okay days, (cleaning and keeping myself busy around the house.) and bad days. ( negative pregnancy tests, the feeling like everyone around me has no idea what I'm going through, someone asking me when Ryan and I plan on having kids.) Tonight has been a bad night. More than anything, I want the joy of holding my baby in my arms.

People ask, "Is it worth all the fertility treatments and the money?" My response to this is:
It's worth it all to be able to see a positive pregnancy test.
It's worth it all to one day be able to feel a baby move inside of me.
It's worth it all to one day be able to hear a heartbeat in my womb.
It's worth it all to be able to say, "it's a boy" or "it's a girl."
It's worth it all to be able to see the face of my beautiful child and hold them in my arms.
It's worth it all to be able to share this love that can't be described and that I already feel for this child I've never met, but know I will love with all I am.
It's worth it all to one day to be called, "mommy."

Ryan and I are prepared to do whatever it takes to be able to have the experiences that so many people take for granted. It's worth all of the struggle and heartache to know that one day God will bless us with a wonderful gift.

My husband is the greatest man on earth. I am so fortunate to have someone who is so supportive and caring. Tonight he just hugged me as I cried. He said nothing, knowing I didn't want to hear anything, and just let me cry. I cannot tell you the amount of times he's just been there when I needed him to just be there. He's so good about knowing when to speak and when not to. I know he's dealing with the same things I am, but he's been my rock. I know God has blessed me with him; no one could be more perfect for me.

Sorry for my rant and ravings tonight. It's just one of those days that I needed to vent. I pray that we will get a positive pregnancy test this week. God is good. He will provide in HIS timing, and that timing is PERFECT!!!

Here's a song by Casting Crowns that has impacted me during this journey. Enjoy the lyrics--It's called Praise You in the Storm.


I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down and wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day. But once again, I say amen and it's still raining as the thunder rolls I barely hear You whisper through the rain, "I'm with you"and as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away.

Chorus: And I'll praise you in this storm and I will lift my hands for You are who You are no matter where I am and every tear I've cried You hold in your hand.You never left my side and though my heart is torn. I will praise You in this storm/

I remember when I stumbled in the wind.ou heard my cry to Youand raised me up again my strength is almost gone.how can I carry on if I can't find You? And as the thunder rolls I barely hear You whisper through the rain "I'm with you"and as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away

I lift my eyes onto the hills where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth I lift my eyes onto the hills where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth