Time

I cannot believe that my 10 year class reunion is next weekend. It seems like only yesterday that I was in high school spending time with people that I haven't seen in nearly 10 years. It's amazing that 10 years can go by so quickly. I am looking forward to seeing many of my former classmates and catching up on things that are going on. It's crazy that so many of them are scattered all over the country.

Ryan and I are going on a mini-vacation next week. We were supposed to go to Gatlinburg with my in-laws, but I have a meeting for work 2 of the days they will be gone, so Ryan and I are going to leave after the meeting and go to St.Louis for a few days. I've never been there, but I've heard that it's a really cool city to visit with lots to do. We're just excited for the time away. Sometimes it helps so much to just step away from an environment for a little bit and discover new places. This year has been really stressful and we feel like we deserve a much needed vacation.

We had a deck put on off of our sunroom this week. It's really nice! We were going to wait until next spring, but an Amish man did some work for my father-in-law and when he told him we were thinking about building a deck, the man said he could do it, and he gave us a good price! We went ahead and decided if we didn't do it now, we probably would be missing out on a good chance. Anyway, it's really awesome to have. Last night we sat out on it and watched wildlife in our backyard. I am looking forward to entertaining there.

I hope everyone enjoys the Independence Day holiday. May God continue to bless our country.

Refreshed

I am refreshed. It's been a hard couple of weeks, but by God's grace and mercy, I am feeling refreshed and ready for the world. It took a full week to get over the grieving period of not getting a positive pregnancy test after our IUI. I felt completely abandoned and hurt beyond words. There was a little well of tears set on my heart. Any and every thing would send forth that spring of tears. I analyzed the reasons why I thought God didn't give us our baby. I was angry and bitter that we'd spend $2000.00 on a procedure that brought nothing but pain both physically and emotionally.

After my "feel sorry for myself" phase, I took a hard look at what I do have and I thanked God for His MANY blessings. I prayed and prayed and decided that no matter what happens, or when it happens, I will only be satisfied with God's will. His will is the only thing that matters, and I know He is guiding both Ryan and I to where we need to be.

My heart knows without a doubt that God WILL give us a baby. A while ago I was overwhelmed with a strong fear that maybe God was not going to give us a baby, and that I would never feel the greatness of a pregnancy and the love that only a mother feels. I prayed about this and God has given me a peace about this situation. It's no longer about IF we get pregnant, it about WHEN God decides to bless us with our baby. God has never failed me, and I know He never will.

I know God has the power to heal, and I feel like a healing is coming. Although there have been times when I've felt like I've been abandoned and left by God, I know He's here. He's with me always. Seeing every tear I cry and hearing every prayer I say.

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

Blessed be the Lord for when there's no hope, there's always hope in the Lord!

I was blessed to be able to spend a few days with my family. I am so thankful that God has blessed my family. What a Godly heritage I have, and how thankful I am that I have this gift.

No baby this month. That's about all I have to say. Of course we are very sad, but know that God will provide in HIS timing. Ryan and I have decided to take this month off of treatments and just enjoy some time NOT worrying about getting pregnant.

I'll keep you all updated on what we decide to do in July.

Tough Night

Here I am up at 2:30 in the morning feeling the need to blog. Tonight I am really struggling with a lot of things. I am starting to be very afraid that this IUI didn't work. I don't test for a few days, but I am so worried I am starting to let my worry creep in as I wait. My heart is hurting and I am so sick of all of this infertility stuff. I am tired of letting it consume me. I am tired of it taking over all of my thoughts. The thought of having to go through this medical process again makes my stomach turn.

The varying emotions or days that accompany infertility are so much like a roller-coaster. I have a great days, ( when I am completely mind busy doing something that I absoultely enjoy. i.e. shopping, or spending time out completely NOT thinking about infertility or treatments.) okay days, (cleaning and keeping myself busy around the house.) and bad days. ( negative pregnancy tests, the feeling like everyone around me has no idea what I'm going through, someone asking me when Ryan and I plan on having kids.) Tonight has been a bad night. More than anything, I want the joy of holding my baby in my arms.

People ask, "Is it worth all the fertility treatments and the money?" My response to this is:
It's worth it all to be able to see a positive pregnancy test.
It's worth it all to one day be able to feel a baby move inside of me.
It's worth it all to one day be able to hear a heartbeat in my womb.
It's worth it all to be able to say, "it's a boy" or "it's a girl."
It's worth it all to be able to see the face of my beautiful child and hold them in my arms.
It's worth it all to be able to share this love that can't be described and that I already feel for this child I've never met, but know I will love with all I am.
It's worth it all to one day to be called, "mommy."

Ryan and I are prepared to do whatever it takes to be able to have the experiences that so many people take for granted. It's worth all of the struggle and heartache to know that one day God will bless us with a wonderful gift.

My husband is the greatest man on earth. I am so fortunate to have someone who is so supportive and caring. Tonight he just hugged me as I cried. He said nothing, knowing I didn't want to hear anything, and just let me cry. I cannot tell you the amount of times he's just been there when I needed him to just be there. He's so good about knowing when to speak and when not to. I know he's dealing with the same things I am, but he's been my rock. I know God has blessed me with him; no one could be more perfect for me.

Sorry for my rant and ravings tonight. It's just one of those days that I needed to vent. I pray that we will get a positive pregnancy test this week. God is good. He will provide in HIS timing, and that timing is PERFECT!!!

Here's a song by Casting Crowns that has impacted me during this journey. Enjoy the lyrics--It's called Praise You in the Storm.


I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down and wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day. But once again, I say amen and it's still raining as the thunder rolls I barely hear You whisper through the rain, "I'm with you"and as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away.

Chorus: And I'll praise you in this storm and I will lift my hands for You are who You are no matter where I am and every tear I've cried You hold in your hand.You never left my side and though my heart is torn. I will praise You in this storm/

I remember when I stumbled in the wind.ou heard my cry to Youand raised me up again my strength is almost gone.how can I carry on if I can't find You? And as the thunder rolls I barely hear You whisper through the rain "I'm with you"and as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away

I lift my eyes onto the hills where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth I lift my eyes onto the hills where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth