Storms

Wow! I can't believe I haven't blogged since August. I guess it's pretty obvious that I am back at work. No time for any extras! This school year has definitely been a challenge, as some of our staff members are going through some major struggles. God is good, though. His presence is definitely in our school.

Things are still the same here on the fertilty journey. I haven't seen my fertility doctor since the end of May, but I have kept in contact through phone conversations.

I am supposed to go in and do an hsg test in a few days. I haven't actually set it up, but I will probably call on Monday. It's a dye test where it's injected through my cervix and through the entire reproductive tract. It will tell us if I have a blocked fallopian tube, or my uterus is shaped in a strange way. If my tubes are slightly blocked, this procedure could help clear the blockages, but if I have 2 severly blocked fallopian tubes, we will never be able to conceive without Invitro Fertilization. I am praying that this isn't the case, because there is NO POSSIBLE way we can afford to do that procedure right now.

Please continue to pray for us. I am having a very hard time deciding if I should do this test right now. First of all, I am SCARED TO DEATH! From what I've heard, it's a very painful procedure with no pain meds. Second of all, I am just a worry wart and I am kind of scared that something will be wrong and I'll have to deal with some more overwhelming stress.

I am looking for a clear answer from God, but I am having a really hard time hearing Him right now. I am feeling a little abandoned and I feel selfish for feeling that way. I know He is here, and I am still praising Him, but this storm feels like it's getting the best of me.

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand" Isaiah 41:10

The first couple of weeks of school are finally behind me. It's always a rocky start, but things are starting to settle down. I enjoy being in a routine again; It feels like I get so much more accomplished when I have a schedule. I think once again my "Type A" personality is a factor in that. :)

My family has had many blessings this past month. David got a teaching job at the same school I work at. He's working in the Special Education department. It was a blessing as we thought he was going to go yet another year without a teaching job. My mom, who has a severely hurinated disk in her back, is doing better. She was advised to have surgery, but she seems to be healing without the surgery as we've been praying. God has been good and I know He will continue to be.

As I've stated in many of my previous blogs, Ryan and I are not seeing my fertility specialist at this time. This month I did ovulate on my own! I was pretty psyched about that. Some months it has happened, but there is no guarantee if or when it will. I figure if I ovulate naturally, my body is at least trying to do what it's supposed to do. It gives me some hope that I could get pregnant naturally. Of course, we would prefer to get pregnant naturally, but we're putting it into God's hands. He will provide when He sees it's time.

God is providing in ways that I don't understand, but I see. He's done so many things for my family this past year. Through all the struggles, He's been my comfort. He promises me in His Word that it's going to be worth all of the pain and turmoil. Praise Him for that!!!

Back to Work

I cannot believe it is already time to go back to work. Although I've enjoyed my time off, I cannot believe that it is already time to go back! It's been a very nice summer. I've tried to relax and enjoy my time off. Ryan and I decided we would take the summer off from fertility treatments, and I've actually kind of forgotten about the issue. Now, that doesn't mean that it's not always in the back of my mind, but it hasn't been overtaking my world. It's been an enjoyable time. Around the middle of June, God put a peace in my heart about the situation. I finally completely turned it over to Him.

Ryan and I had a good time on our trip to St. Louis. The traffic was terrible, but other than that, it was fun. We just enjoyed a few days away.

My ten year class reunion was a few weekends ago. It was a blast!!! It was so great to spend time with people that I hadn't seen in years. I needed that. Although most of us have taken separate roads, we picked up right where we left off ten years ago. The support and love that I felt from my former classmates was awesome! It was just a fun time of catching up and talking about the old days.

I am not quite as ready as I normally am to go back to school this year. I am ready for a schedule, though. I have become a night owl! Getting back in a routine always makes my life a little easier. It's that Type A personality.

For those of you who are curious, Ryan and I have decided to wait until October to pursue any more fertility treatments. At that time, I will have another test to check my uterus and fallopian tubes. If that all looks good, we'll probably do another IUI. The unfortunate thing is that our insurance doesn't cover infertility at all. (Which is another thing....do you think I actually want to be infertile??? If I had to have surgery to remove my appendix, they would cover it!) Each time I have a procedure done it costs $500-$3000. It's hard to come up with that extra money every month. We're just waiting for God to show us what to do. If we're to move a long with the treatments, He'll provide the money. Right now we're praying for a miracle and that God will show us what He wants us to do. We know without a doubt that God can and will provide in His timing!

Healer

I am praying for those all around this area that need a healing. I know God can and will heal. There are so many, young and old, who are suffering with disease. Whether it be cancer, heart disease, addiction, depression, or so many other afflictions, we need to pray and truly believe that NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR GOD!

One of my most favorite songs is, Healer by Hillsong. Below are the lyrics. It's an awesome song! Truly an encouragement to me. I believe Jesus is my Healer! He's all I need.

You hold my every moment. You calm my raging seas.
You walk with me through fire and heal all my disease.

I trust in You.
I trust in You.

I believe You're my healer.
I believe You are all I need.

I believe You're my portion.
I believe You're more than enough for me.
Jesus You're all I need.

Nothing is impossible for You.
Nothing is impossible for You.
Nothing is impossible for You.
You hold my world in Your hands.

I believe You're my healer.
I believe You're all I need.

I believe You're my portion.
I believe You're more than enough for me.
Jesus You're all I need.

Time

I cannot believe that my 10 year class reunion is next weekend. It seems like only yesterday that I was in high school spending time with people that I haven't seen in nearly 10 years. It's amazing that 10 years can go by so quickly. I am looking forward to seeing many of my former classmates and catching up on things that are going on. It's crazy that so many of them are scattered all over the country.

Ryan and I are going on a mini-vacation next week. We were supposed to go to Gatlinburg with my in-laws, but I have a meeting for work 2 of the days they will be gone, so Ryan and I are going to leave after the meeting and go to St.Louis for a few days. I've never been there, but I've heard that it's a really cool city to visit with lots to do. We're just excited for the time away. Sometimes it helps so much to just step away from an environment for a little bit and discover new places. This year has been really stressful and we feel like we deserve a much needed vacation.

We had a deck put on off of our sunroom this week. It's really nice! We were going to wait until next spring, but an Amish man did some work for my father-in-law and when he told him we were thinking about building a deck, the man said he could do it, and he gave us a good price! We went ahead and decided if we didn't do it now, we probably would be missing out on a good chance. Anyway, it's really awesome to have. Last night we sat out on it and watched wildlife in our backyard. I am looking forward to entertaining there.

I hope everyone enjoys the Independence Day holiday. May God continue to bless our country.

Refreshed

I am refreshed. It's been a hard couple of weeks, but by God's grace and mercy, I am feeling refreshed and ready for the world. It took a full week to get over the grieving period of not getting a positive pregnancy test after our IUI. I felt completely abandoned and hurt beyond words. There was a little well of tears set on my heart. Any and every thing would send forth that spring of tears. I analyzed the reasons why I thought God didn't give us our baby. I was angry and bitter that we'd spend $2000.00 on a procedure that brought nothing but pain both physically and emotionally.

After my "feel sorry for myself" phase, I took a hard look at what I do have and I thanked God for His MANY blessings. I prayed and prayed and decided that no matter what happens, or when it happens, I will only be satisfied with God's will. His will is the only thing that matters, and I know He is guiding both Ryan and I to where we need to be.

My heart knows without a doubt that God WILL give us a baby. A while ago I was overwhelmed with a strong fear that maybe God was not going to give us a baby, and that I would never feel the greatness of a pregnancy and the love that only a mother feels. I prayed about this and God has given me a peace about this situation. It's no longer about IF we get pregnant, it about WHEN God decides to bless us with our baby. God has never failed me, and I know He never will.

I know God has the power to heal, and I feel like a healing is coming. Although there have been times when I've felt like I've been abandoned and left by God, I know He's here. He's with me always. Seeing every tear I cry and hearing every prayer I say.

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

Blessed be the Lord for when there's no hope, there's always hope in the Lord!

I was blessed to be able to spend a few days with my family. I am so thankful that God has blessed my family. What a Godly heritage I have, and how thankful I am that I have this gift.

No baby this month. That's about all I have to say. Of course we are very sad, but know that God will provide in HIS timing. Ryan and I have decided to take this month off of treatments and just enjoy some time NOT worrying about getting pregnant.

I'll keep you all updated on what we decide to do in July.

Tough Night

Here I am up at 2:30 in the morning feeling the need to blog. Tonight I am really struggling with a lot of things. I am starting to be very afraid that this IUI didn't work. I don't test for a few days, but I am so worried I am starting to let my worry creep in as I wait. My heart is hurting and I am so sick of all of this infertility stuff. I am tired of letting it consume me. I am tired of it taking over all of my thoughts. The thought of having to go through this medical process again makes my stomach turn.

The varying emotions or days that accompany infertility are so much like a roller-coaster. I have a great days, ( when I am completely mind busy doing something that I absoultely enjoy. i.e. shopping, or spending time out completely NOT thinking about infertility or treatments.) okay days, (cleaning and keeping myself busy around the house.) and bad days. ( negative pregnancy tests, the feeling like everyone around me has no idea what I'm going through, someone asking me when Ryan and I plan on having kids.) Tonight has been a bad night. More than anything, I want the joy of holding my baby in my arms.

People ask, "Is it worth all the fertility treatments and the money?" My response to this is:
It's worth it all to be able to see a positive pregnancy test.
It's worth it all to one day be able to feel a baby move inside of me.
It's worth it all to one day be able to hear a heartbeat in my womb.
It's worth it all to be able to say, "it's a boy" or "it's a girl."
It's worth it all to be able to see the face of my beautiful child and hold them in my arms.
It's worth it all to be able to share this love that can't be described and that I already feel for this child I've never met, but know I will love with all I am.
It's worth it all to one day to be called, "mommy."

Ryan and I are prepared to do whatever it takes to be able to have the experiences that so many people take for granted. It's worth all of the struggle and heartache to know that one day God will bless us with a wonderful gift.

My husband is the greatest man on earth. I am so fortunate to have someone who is so supportive and caring. Tonight he just hugged me as I cried. He said nothing, knowing I didn't want to hear anything, and just let me cry. I cannot tell you the amount of times he's just been there when I needed him to just be there. He's so good about knowing when to speak and when not to. I know he's dealing with the same things I am, but he's been my rock. I know God has blessed me with him; no one could be more perfect for me.

Sorry for my rant and ravings tonight. It's just one of those days that I needed to vent. I pray that we will get a positive pregnancy test this week. God is good. He will provide in HIS timing, and that timing is PERFECT!!!

Here's a song by Casting Crowns that has impacted me during this journey. Enjoy the lyrics--It's called Praise You in the Storm.


I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down and wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day. But once again, I say amen and it's still raining as the thunder rolls I barely hear You whisper through the rain, "I'm with you"and as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away.

Chorus: And I'll praise you in this storm and I will lift my hands for You are who You are no matter where I am and every tear I've cried You hold in your hand.You never left my side and though my heart is torn. I will praise You in this storm/

I remember when I stumbled in the wind.ou heard my cry to Youand raised me up again my strength is almost gone.how can I carry on if I can't find You? And as the thunder rolls I barely hear You whisper through the rain "I'm with you"and as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away

I lift my eyes onto the hills where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth I lift my eyes onto the hills where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

Nothing new

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Romans 12:12

This week has actually been moving a long more quickly than I originally thought it would. Today was the last day of school with the students, and tomorrow is the last day for teachers. Thank goodness it's only a half day!

I've been praying for patience and peace this week. I actually feel okay. I've not been ansy or worried about what will or won't happen. The only thing I'm sure of and want to be sure of is that God is in CONTROL! If this procedure doesn't work, although it will be very hard to accept, I know that it wasn't His will.

I have really been struggling with the issues that are going on with Jon & Kate Gosselin from the T.V. show Jon & Kate Plus 8. I recently read the book, Multiple Blessings, and was so inspired by everything they had endured. Kate gave so much praise to God in her book. It's just like they've turned their back on where they came from. God has blessed them with so much, and they've turned to material possessions and have forgotten what God's done for them. I've really been praying for all of them. I don't know why I have such a strong feeling to pray for them, but the whole family has been on my heart.

I hope everyone has a good week.

Well today was the big day. I had the IUI done this morning around 10:45. It was NOT fun, but it will be worth it if we end up with our baby. Right now everything just kind of comes to a hault and we wait. I have a blood test next week to make sure I actually did ovulate and that I have enough progesterone to support a pregnancy. Other than that, we just kick back and wait 2 weeks to find out if all of this worked.

I don't think I posted this, but Thursday when I went to my appointment everything looked great. I had 3 mature follicles measuring around 22 mm. each. My nurse said I should be excited that everything looked so good. That made me feel good. She said the goal is to get 2-3 mature follicles. The odds are higher that at least one will release.

I don't have much more to write about. Please continue to pray that God will bless Ryan and I this month.

Sorry! I'm a little late on posting. Yesterday I went in for another scan and some more blood work. The nurse I had yesterday was so sweet. She's my favorite and she always makes such an uncomfortable situation seem better. That's another reason I travel all the way to Carmel for my appointments. I love the staff and the doctors there. Anyway, she did the scan and there are THREE almost mature follicles! The nurse showed them to me and then measured them. Two of them are close to 18 mm. and the other is around 16-17ish. Soooo....after my bloodwork came in, they called me and told me that everything looked really good and although we were progressing I needed to take 2 more days of my shots and then come back in on Thursday. I was worried I was going to have to buy more medicine because I didn't have enough left. God provided again! The nurse gave me some sample meds that she had. This time they actually were samples. That was such a blessing as a vial of the medicine is around $350.00.

So, I go back tomorrow for hopefully only one more scan and bloodwork check. My doctor thinks we'll do the IUI on Saturday which works out great because Ryan won't have to take the day off of work.

Please keep us in your prayers. Please pray that at least one of these little eggs will be fertilized and then will implant. Also please pray for Ryan and I to be calm and have peace no matter what happens. I'll keep you all posted.

God is good!

Dr. Apt.

Today I had my second doctor's appointment before the IUI. It went well. They upped my dosage on the shots a little, but hopefully I will only have to take them for 2 more days! They did an ultrasound today, and it looks like everything is progressing okay. Thankfully there aren't like 5 dominant eggs! That would be bad! There was only one, with a second one just a little smaller. We'll see how many there will be next time. The nurse seemed to think I wouldn't have any more than two. That doesn't necessarily mean that they any of the will be fertilized, or that they will both DEFINITELY be fertilized, it just means that they are there, hanging out :)

My next appointment is Tuesday. I go in for some more blood work and then another ultrasound. The doctor expects my IUI to probably be on Thursday. It will all depend on how everything looks Tuesday. I am going to have to miss 2 days of work this week ( which is not good timing because it's the last FULL week of school.) Everyone at work is really supportive, though. That's a blessing that definitely helps!

I'll post again Tuesday night after the appointment. I am so thankful that today went well. I am praying that the next week goes as planned and everything falls into place.

" The Lord your God will go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor forsake you."


Deuteronomy 31:6





As the day of our doctor's appointment approaches, my worry has started to creep in. I am so worried that something will go wrong. I'm afraid that something will delay this cycle, and we'll be back where we've been for so long. I know and understand fully that this procedure is not a guarantee. I just know it's a big step that I never imagined I would have to go through. This journey has been one that has changed who I am and how I see everything. I am so comforted that God will NOT fail or forsake me. He knows the desire of our hearts and He is working in our lives. His answer may not be how or when I want, but I know that He's been there all along, holding my hand as I go through this. I know He'll be with us when we go through this procedure next week.

We are praying for peace and guidance. Peace to calm my fears and worries about this procedure and that God would direct the doctor's and nurse's hands and minds. Please continue to pray with us.

It's been a pretty quiet week. We are getting ready to have a deck built off of our sunroom. Ryan and my father-in-law have been working to make it look presentable before we have the deck built. We need so much dirt in our back yard. It looks terrible right now! Maybe eventually it will get to where it needs to be.

We had a cook-out on Mother's Day. Both of our families came and visited. We had a really good time spending time with everyone. I'd like to do it more often. It always seems like we NEVER have much time to plan things at our house. I am going to make a conscience effort this summer to be more of the hostess that everyone knows I love to be. :)

I started my shots on Monday. They aren't too bad. Actually I gave myself the shot both yesterday and today. I was so proud. It was definitely traumatic the first time, but today wasn't bad at all. I'll be a pro at this before I know it, but I hope after this cycle I never have to do it again.

We go back to see my doctor on Sunday for a check. Please keep us in your prayers. Please pray that this procedure works and that when we go on Sunday things are progressing like they should be. I know God's hands are on this, and I am trusting in Him fully!

We went and saw my doctor on Thursday. We are doing an interauterine insemination this cycle. I start injectable meds on Monday and then we go from there. The insemination will probably take place at the end of this month.

Of course it's no IDEAL situation, but both Ryan and I have come to peace with it. Things have just sort of worked out and I really feel like it's okay. For instance, when we went to the doctor's office,we knew we would have to pay around $1000.00 just for the meds. Of course, no one ever plans to have to spend that kind of money on medicine. Anyway, when I talked to the nurse on Wednesday, she told me that she had some "sample" medication. Well, when we had our appointment I asked about the "sample" meds. She then brought out to me 3/4 of the amount of medicine we were going to have to order for FREE! It saved us at least $600.00. God definitely took care of that.

Anway, if you read this, please continue to keep us in your prayers. I'm not quite sure what God's plan is, but I am definitely excited to be a part of His will.

Bad news today. I have to go back to the specialist tomorrow. We are going to go ahead and proceed with the injectable medications. When I talked to the nurse she told me that my doctor would probably want to do an Inteuterine Insemination. I really wasn't prepared for that, but the more I think about it, the more I understand why.

Doing the IUI will increase our chances this cycle. A cycle with injectable medications is very costly, and because my insurance doesn't cover ANY infertility cost, it's a big chunk of extra money to come up with every month. We decided to go ahead and do the treatments this month, but if they don't work out, we are going to take some time off from all treatments. I don't know how long that will be. We'll decide when we get there. Hopefully this month's treatment does the job and we get a blessing.

Today at work was really hard. After the reality of the situation struck me, I was so weepy all day. I spent most of my lunch time crying. I HATE that I let this affect me so much each cycle. Each time I think I am prepared, and when I have to make that phone call, I lose it. I didn't cry in front of my students, but I think they knew something was up. They were all so good and tried so hard today. They really are awesome kids!

I am trying to look forward to the weekend. We are having our families over for a cook-out Mother's Day afternoon. We love spending time with our families, so I think it will be a nice day to just hang out and not worry.

Whewwwww.......

"But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. "Isaiah 40:31

It's me again. What a crazy couple of days! Is it only Monday?? Work is starting to get the best of me; this time of year is always so busy and it's so hard to get my students motivated to do anything. I am very overwhelmed,tired and stressed. I tend to get so negative when I get stressed out. I hate that I am like this, and I am working on it, but I start to get angry at everything and always think I have a better way. I KNOW I don't have a better way, but my "Type A" personality kicks in and I think me being in control of EVERY situation is the only way. I am working on this. Admitting I have a problem is the first step, right?? :)

Today the verse I have at the top of this blog has been in my head. What a blessing to know that when we wait on the Lord that He will renew our strength. What a blessing to know that He is always there holding us up when we can no longer do it. I've definitely been leaning on Him and trying to throw my stress and problems away for the JOY OF THE LORD!!

Please pray for me this week. If we don't get a positive pregnancy test this week, I have to go back to my doctor for some bloodwork and to start the injectable medicines. I am praying for a miracle, as Ryan and I did not do any treatments this month. I know God can heal me and I would love to get pregnant without fertility meds, but I'm willing to do whatever His will is. Also please pray for me for acceptance if we do have to start more aggressive treatments. Last month was hard for me to accept.

I hope all that read this have a great week. May you find your strength in our GREAT God!!!

Kristina

I love my boys!

I am SO ready for this rain to stop. I am so sick of getting wet every time I walk into work. April is over...so stop bringing the showers!!! I am so ready for our summer break; I'm not sure I can wait 3 more weeks. The summer is always fun. I have so much to get done this summer, but I still plan on having some fun. I get to keep my nephews one day a week and we always try to do fun things. Last year we went to the zoo, swam, movies, and lots of other fun things. This year they've already been planning out what we're going to do.

I am so lucky to have such a close family on both sides. Ryan and I are so fortunate to have 2 wonderful nephews that we love with all of our hearts. I don't think their mommy and daddy know how much it means to us to be able to keep them and do fun things with them.

Remington is growing up so fast. I can't believe he will be in 5th grade next year! Time flies. He is really athletic and is natually good at almost any sport he tries. Ryker is our sweetie. He's such a sensitive thing and always makes sure he gives you lots of affection. If he hasn't seen you in a while he always runs up to you with a big hug. We love them dearly and are so glad that our family has such a close-knit connection.

Here I am....

I don't know that anyone will really be interested in what's happening with Ryan and I, but if you're anything like me, I enjoy reading about other people that I don't have the opportunity to keep up with on a regular basis. So...here it is.

Things have been relatively quiet with us recently. Our new home was complete in the beginning of October and we moved in soon after. We love our new home. It was a bit overwhelming to begin with, and to be honest, we are still slowly unpacking. Thankfully the transition was very smooth. The extra room is AWESOME! I no longer feel like my walls are closing in on me. :)

The baby plan is definitely a struggle and not something we planned on ever happening. God has definitely used this to teach both Ryan and I some very important lessons. I have always been the "planner." Things have to go my way and in my timing, and throughout this experience, God has taught me how to leave things in His hands. There are so many other things that God has taught and is still teaching us. I praise Him that He does have control. I also praise Him that He has given us great family members constantly supporting us.

After several weeks of praying, Ryan and I decided to take this month off of fertility treatments. We're really only in the first stage of treatments, but it can really take a toll on you mentally, physically, and financially. My doctor (who I absolutely love) is located in Carmel, Indiana, and so a trip up there is three hours. Last month we made 3 trips there within 2 weeks. This next medicated cycle we will have to go several more times as they will be starting me on injectable medicines. I'm not looking forward to getting shots in my stomach everyday, but I'll do whatever it takes to get that beautiful baby God is planning for us. Please continue to keep us in your prayers. Some days I am fine, but there are other days that I feel so unlike myself. More than anything, I want a baby, and not being able to achieve that easily is not an easy thing to deal with.

Ryan ran a 13 mile mini-marathon last weekend. He, his brother, and both of our sis-in-laws ran with him. Ryan has never ran a marathon before. I was so proud of him! They all trained for only two months. I was impressed. They all finished the 13 miles in less than 3 hours. I wish I had the discipline to train for something like that. Exercise is not something I really care to spend my time on;) LOL!! They all did fantastic, though.

The school year is winding down and I am definitely anticipating the summer vacation. The end of the year is always stressful and always wears me out. I am looking forward to the days when I don't have to change out of my pajamas! :)